Oy vey, these next 7 days.

These next 7 days are going ot be so hard.
This time last year one of my closest friendsfrom highschool was in the hospitale non-responsive.

7 more days, from this day signifies the one year mark of that friend, when he passed.

I knew it was going to be hard, and I knew that it was going to suck. Iguess I just didn't know that it would get this out of hand. I really miss him so much. I miss him always trying to make me smile when I had the most horrible day. He would always inspire me to be me, and to live life to the fullest, which we all know I have problems with.

He was truly a great and fantastic person, my life has not been the same without him in it.

It stinks so much, not being able to call him and tell him things when I need to, because I know that he will help. It's hard to think about the fact that I cannot talkto him, and he is gone from me. From my life.

This week will be rough, so rough. I hope that I laugh until I cry, and not cry until I laugh. I want to smile through this and remember the fact that he was a great, fantastic person. But, it's so hard. Because I realize in doing that, how much I miss that great fantastic peron.

you're on my heart.

I wrote something today at work for Walter

My heart cries out,
For you once more.
It screams and shouts,
As raindrops hit the floor.

You’re gone,
Just ripped from life so fast.
I wish you were here.
The memories will have to last.

My heart so touched,
By your sweet love.
I smile then,
I feel your warmth from above.

The times you comforted,
And smiled my way.
It always worked,
You brightened my days.

And so I leave you with this at last.
Your memories in my heart,
Will last and last.
And so the smile on my face,
It’s because of you, that it forever stays.

In loving memory of:

Walter Brian Brooks

You have made a lasting impression on my life.

I hope on to the times, the special memories. They brighten my days.

I am so thankful that I knew someone as bright as you(:

If anyone was my hero, it was you. Always inspiring me to be me, no matter what other people had to say about it.

And for that I thank you.

Youre beautiful every little piece love

my new favorite song.

mercy me- bring the rain

I can count a million times,
people asking me how I
can praise you with all that i've gone through.
The question just amazes me,
can circumstances possibly
change who I forever am in you?
Maybe since my life was changed,
long before these rainy days,
its never really ever crossed my mind;
to turn my back on you oh lord,
My only shelter from the storm.
But instead I draw closer in these times.
So I pray:

Bring me joy, Bring me Peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that brings you glory,
When this life brings me pain.
But if that's what it takes you praise you,
Jesus bring the rain.

I am yours regardless of,
the dark clouds that may loom above.
Because you, are much greater than my pain.
You who made a way for me,
by suffering your destiny.
So tell me whats a little rain?
So I pray:

Bring me joy, Bring me Peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that brings you glory,
When this life brings me pain.
But if thats what it takes you praise you,
Jesus bring the rain:

holy holy holy
is the lord God almighty, is the lord god almighty♥

This song is going to help me get through all of this. I know there is a reason for this. And I will be better because of it all.

end of the fourth.

So I can't even tell you how good going on Vacation has been. To have time with and for myself.. just me time. Is really great. During this time I get to take a good long look at myself, and see what it is that I need to do to make myself a better person.

And I admit. I was in a little bit of a funk, hah maybe a lotta bit of a funk :) But, I just had to get over myself. And stop being selfish. And I had to do what I knew was right. So I got over everything. And I am doing it.

It's rewarding and it is amazing:) And I am really happy right now, truly happy. Just by finding myself.

For the first time in my life I am seeing that I can handle things myself. And that I don't need to doubt myself. Because if I look deep enough into who I am then I will find the answer to so many things. I have also learned more and more that people of this world will let you down. (And I'm not trying to be mean here, that's just the facts) But God will always be here for me. So he needs to by my everything. Where I get my strength from, where I get my faith from. Where I get my refuge and my help from needs to be God. No one here on earth can give me the kind of love, and comfort that he can.

Now, don't get me wrong.. hah I'm not like going to stop dating. LOL! I just know the things that I deserve and the things that I don't know. And also I know what God's jobs are. And what God is supposed to do for me. And in which areas of my life I need to count on him and just him on. There are some times. When I will be happy because of what people do. Times when I will smile, and even times when I will be upset. But, even in those times. I will have my God to hold and to cling on to.

I'm not saying things will be perfect. I'm saying that when they aren't I have a unfailing God that will comfort me, and be there for me when it seems like no one else is:)

I know that right now it is easy for me to say that because nothing drastically bad has happened. But I have faith in myself that my love for God will only grow. And so will my faith in him, and my ability to trust in him. I can't wait to see how much I continue to grow throughout this vacation I am already getting excited.!!

3rd day&the beginning of the fourth.

Holy cow.. it is up to the third day.. that's weird I don't feel like I have been here that long.

Well what we did was. Hung out around the house for a while.& Then we went to go and see Despicable Me. IT WAS SOOOO GOOOD. You need to go and see it hah. It made me cryyyyy!! Like I felt so dumb.. but it was such a CUTE part.

Then we went out to chickerflicker&came back home. And steph and I played house and my little pony with Emily :) hahah. (I just have to interject here, hahahh suite life of zack&cody on deck, is hillarioussss) ANNND then we just chilled. Which was amazing. I don't even remember what all the chill entailed. But then my cousin left. :( So now.. tomorrow it would be just me and the children. And I (at this time) am very overwhelmed.. becauseeee well these kids can get very crazy. But, I mean kids are my thing so I should be able to handle it rightt.

day four♥
Okay so I wake up, and no lie as soon as I wake up friends from the neighborhood call &want to come over and hang out with the kids (Aunt Tracey and Uncle Chris already said this was okay) sooo I jumped on it. And now all of the children are playing BY THEMSELVES without the aid of me. So I am chillen like you know.. like it was vacation or something.. hahah.:) LOOOVEEE IT! I'm going to get some serious journaling in today!!!

Then when they leave I plan on kicking at the pool next door. Soaking up some sun, and the kids playing in the pool.&then who knows what will happen later. Hopefully I don't get super burnt ;) Hopefully I just get really really tan&then I come home super tan. That would be nice.

Longstory short. Virigina has been GREAT! and I am having a blast chillen and hanging out.. and this is making me feel like an adult because.. well I don't really know why.

On a side note the girls are playing barbies. And one is crying help me. Hah I have to remind myself to just take the time and check on them, and not freak out. Because it is probably only the Babrbies that need help, not the children hah.

I hope you all have a GREAT day!! :)

2nd day in Virginia,

Was a good day.. but I am already starting to miss home. Yesterday (the second day) we went to go and see Eclipse. It was really good, I paid more attention this time.. heh. We got Panera again, but this time we had to work a whole heck of a lot harder. You see Stephanie and I were home alone (everyone else was out at the party)so we had to fend for ourselves.. and find a Panera in a place that we didn't know.. all we knew is that our house was off the road of menchville, or is it menninville. Ahhh I dunno. But lets just say. All I had for the whole day was blueberries, and it was now 5:30.. we were about to just eat each other.. and then come to find out.. after Steph remembered that she has GPS on her phone (yes I know I was about to killllll her)... we had passed the panera 5,000 times. So, it totally felt like it took us longer to find Panera then it took to get to Virginia. That's an exaggeration though.. how long did it really take.. like an hour and half. That is a lot of time though in hungry time. Anyways WAIT I skipped a whole part of my day. So after Eclipse then.. we went to the craft store. And I found some silly bands that I just adore. And then we went to Walmart. Where a lady though we were so dumb when we asked her where the wallets were.. she helped us count. We got Aunt Tracey out of the walmart without being arrested. I think that's a big feat on our part. Heh. So then we came home.. and the Panera thing happened. Can I just say that, the Panera I ate yesteday was the best Panera that I have ever consumed in my whole entire life. It was soooooo good:). Then I feel like I did nothing else all day but trade silly bands with Emily (I got a ladybug by the way.. and not just any ladybug and ORANGE one-- I told her that this trade is final, and we are not trading back... but in reality.. we all know I am too soft for that.. so we will see if I keep it or not.. don't worry I will keep you posted) I didn't trade any with Gabe.. I don't think that he would like any that I have. I am really starting to have a lot of silly bands.. who knows that I will do with all of them. I think that I will just alternate wearing them.. why do these kinds of things appeal to me.? Lol. Then Stephanie and I sat outside, and had a thousand talks about life.. had some tears about life. And watched the heat lighting. Have I ever mentioned how much I stinking loveeee heat lightning? It is sooooo pretty. It reminds me of that song. "You light light light up the sky you light up the sky to show me you are with me, and I I I can't deny, no I can' deny that you are right here with me, you open my eyes so I can see you clearly now you light light light up the sky you light up the sky to show me, that you are with me" That is one of my favorite songs right now.
I know there is A LOT more to say.. but I just can't find my words right now.. :\.

We're going to the movies again today.. I think we will see Despicable Me. Or whatever that is called. And then going to Chickerflicker. Mmmmmmm. One day while I am here I will eat Healthy.. NOT! hah. Sike I am trying still. I am trying to get the healthy yummy things at the non-healthy places. So.. yeah. Plus you know there isn't a lot of time for me to eat on the vacation.. so yeah.

I know that the boredom is about to set in, and I don't want that. Quite frankly because all I will be able to do is think. Which, I know that's what I need to do. Hah, but thinking is pretty hard these days. I think I Am going to get in the shower.. so that I don't have to rush whenever we do decide what we are doing.. Wonder what I am going to wear today ehhhh?

Who knows.:) Later all, have a great day.. as I am sure that I will.
&I pray that God gives you strength for whatever it is that you are going through. :)

everyday is a new day

Last night.. kind of crept up on me. A lot of things, happened that I didn't want to. It was very very hard. But, all I could keep doing was reminding myself that I had to be strong. Because I know very well. That this is going to be what is best for me. That is the hardest thing to do right now.. is put myself first. I have a hard time with that normally. I'm always worried about the other person, and how the other person is. How they are doing.. if they are okay. And that is something that right now I can't really do because I need to focus on myself. And that is the hardest thing.

I am so proud of myself. For the decisions that I have made. For being an adult. For not having to be told what to do. For this to be our decision and for us to stick by it. Shows how strong we are. And that we would let nothing get in the way of God. Not many teenagers our age would be able to do something so great. So immense that they look outside of today, and look into the future to see what is best. Even though this hurts. I know that everything will work out of the best because I have faith in my God that his plan will be so amazing. So amazing that it will floor me.

I know that people think we are crazy.. I know that people thought we were good. And the truth is we were. We were good. But we needed some time to work on ourselves. And as soon as we get over this hump. As soon as I get over this hump.. of I can't believe this happened. Everything will get easier.

I was told that everyday it would get better, that it would hurt less and less, and I can already see that. Today is a new day. And I am going to make it that. I am going to make it my new day. And I am going to embrace it like it is a new beginning because after all it is. A new me. A fresh-clean-not-damaged-by-other-people-kind-of-me. Hah, and by other people I don't mean Jeff. I still have to fix what happened before Jeff. And even a step before that. And another step.

I know this is hard. I feel it. I also know that I have been through a lot of other things.. and I am starting to feel like I am strong enough to handle this. That I will be able to make it out of this.. and not just make it out of this alive. But make it out of this better. So much better. Which is good.. because then whatever comes my way. It will be great. Whatever relationship. It will be great. Because I will be strong enough to hold my own.. and not ask for other person to do that for me. Because, it is too much to ask. And I should be able to do it on myself. And right now while I am alone.. that is what I am learning to do.

Today will be over, tomorrow will get better, and then the next day. Yesterday, the worst day. It's gone. Everyday will be a new beginning.
And this, is the beginning of my story. The story that will make people proud, and people will see the change that I have made.. and they will be amazed. That's what I want.

My story is going to be great, it is going to be un-imaginably great. And I am going to be the star. Think of that.. the star of my own great story. One day I know that I will look back at this and I will think. I am so glad that this happened.

There is hope, and I have faith that this will all work out for the best. :) I am strong. And I can handle this..
----------
With all that out of the way.. heh Virgina is so far tons of fun. My cousins are just eating it up, which can get a little overwhelming at times. Steph and I slept on the same bed.. hah i had the littlest sliver of the bed that it was just crazy.. but I still had a goodnights sleep. And I didn't have to try to fall asleep which shocked me. I think today we are going to see eclipse. Chief:) (Hah that is what Bella calls Jacob.. and I think that it is cute) for the record I think it will be harder to watch this time around. But I'm making better decisions then Bella. HAH. Man last ngiht we had Panera, and it totally hit the spot.. like beautifully hit the spot. I am going to go now, and read. And get some play time in so I am not going to be bugged all day.. hahah.

<3 "I believe there is a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us, even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness."- a million miles in a thousand years.

Virginia.

Things are good. I am glad that I am here. Right now I am watching Hope Floats. We are about to get Panera, and I am excited because it is going to be soo good.:) I need some good food. I did kartwheels when we got here, literally. I was sooo tired of being in that car!!
Even though we had such a great time riding here, Steph and I (my cousin) hah it was just sooo chill, and so much fun.
I don't really have much to write about. I was happy to see my cousins looks, they were so happy!! Which made me happy. To see them happy because I was here.:)

Its so much fun. Being here.. being able to be away for some time.. clear my head. Its fun to have fun. To be a girl. And to be me.

I am sure that I will write more tomorrow, if not more tonight.

newnnew

These two weeks. Will be great. I will be living my life, and I will be changing. And I will be becoming me all over again. I love the person that I am. I love the person that I have became. But I still need to change some things. I need the to be the person that God wants me to be. And this whole thing has really hurt. But it is okay. And I am going to get over it:) I am excited. To look at who I am down the road. I am excited to find me again, no string attached. Drop everything and see what the Lord does to me. See who I am because of this.

People are freaking out. I'm almost kind of thinking that they took this harder than Jeff and I did. Which is kind of funny, under the circumstances. But I wanna say that I am okay. I promise. Everything is fine. I am not a complete wreck. I am not dying inside. This is just the beginning of me living. He is good to. It was mutual and I can guarantee you. That we will work this out. And we will find what it is all supposed to mean. And maybe we will be something great.

I don't know what Gods plans are for me. But I know that those plans are better than the way that I am trying to live my life. And what I have been doing. So I am taking those steps to be a better person. I am going to listen to what God has to say and where he has to lead me. And that place is where I end up. I am giving my life to God. Stepping out in faith to a place where I havn't been in three years. I am going to fall deeply and madly in love with God. It's going to be hard.. and it is going to hurt. But I know with all my heart, he's got the whole world in his hands. Sorry I went into song mode:) I know that God will lead me and I know that Jeffrey and I will be better people from this. We will be. And it will be amazing.

Know that God is comforting me, know that I am fine. Know that I am being strong through this. :) And it will all be okay.


So that I don't know if that was more for you all or for me. What I do know. Is it is fine:) And well, thats just that.

conetesttt.

So, I have entered a bunch before, but this one.. I REALLY WANNA WIN! How amazing would this be??? Honeslty. Follow this link and look at the giveaway that little birdy is doing. On there if you read it you will see a link to see what the silohette does. There are so mnay possibilities.. OHHH how I hope I win this!