OD on Tursdays

Is it okay to say that nothing thrilling happened today.. nothing yet.. if something does happen I will post it.
My truly thrilling thursday issssssss- I GOTTA WIG FOR MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME! I will post pictures indeed.

OD on...

This is so sad.
I don't even know what to post.
There are so many things going on in my mind right now, I am overwhelmed and I am confused.. and I am stressed. I didn't even know what to call my post.
I failed a quiz today.. which is not like me at all, I am so dissapointed in myself.

I am so distracted by everything that has happened this week that I don't think I can take another day of school.. I can't focus. The weather isn't helping.. which is a lot for me to say because I like the rain. I just haven't liked it recently..

I'm worried about not having enough money to pay for tuition.. in classes that I am not doing so hott in. I guess the best part is I only really need to take one of each class so it's not like I have to go in depth, in any of these classes. Except my education classes.. but thats not a bad thing because I am doing good in them.

I just hate how almost everywhere I turn there is more stress, and more questions. I wish I could have done something more.. something more to show Walter what he would be missing out on.

All of this is so hard to digest.. I almost feel like I am kind of just here.. almost a speck floating in all of my stress.. not being able to take it in.. just to float around in it.. endlessly where things just keep adding.

I know that I need to pray.. and I have been.. but the stress isn't going away. I am so distracted by other things.. I just. :\ hmph.. this is all horrible.

Im going to go and study now.. at least try.

OD on thursdays.

My truly thrilling thing that happened today, was my Boyfriend coming to see me after I got off of work, he helped to put me in a better mood, he cheered me up..
:) I loved seeing him,

OD on living.

My life, has a lot more meaning now I think.

Sometimes I feel like I owe it to Walter to be strong, and live my life.. because he couldn't.

I'm still having trouble dealing with it when someone brings it up.. but I know that God did it for a reasons, and I know that he is doing what is best.

I don't know for sure if Walter is in heaven. I prayed for his salvation, but I don't know how that worked out.. until I get there, I can only hope and pray that he is there. I wold much rather him be in heaven then in hell. Walter didn't deserve hell.

Walter was the kind of person that always wanted to make people smile, he would wake up every single day, and have a goal of how many people that he wanted to make smile that day. Walter, would always make me smile, everyday. He was my laughter, my smiles, my happiness, for many days of my high school life. Walter knew a lot about my life, and I knew a lot about his. Walter was the kind of person that loved you no matter what, and I mean no matter what, his heart was so big and he was always there for you to show you love.. no matter how much no one else would give it to you, or the reasons why they wouldn't give it to you.

I love Walter, I typed loved at first, and realized that that wasn't the right thing to say, because Walter is still in my heart and mind, and I still love him.

I made Walter a bracelet that I was going to give to him when I went to the hospital, while I prayed for him I held it in my hands, so that my prayers would go to the bracelet, and hopefully he would be able to feel my prayers, because he was in a coma and he may not be able to hear them. I never made it to see Walter in the hospital, and I am very sad and upset that I didn't get to hold his hand a pray with him.. but I know that praying where I was, was just as good. I just think it would have been nice to feel like I am praying with him.

When I went to his memorial service at 12:00 Wednesday night, I went over to talk to his Mom. I am very close with all of his family from playing soccer with his younger sister, and sitting in the stands with all of them. I showed her the bracelet that I made for Walter, and I figured that I should give it to her so that she can hang on to it, and put it in his bed, at the funeral home. I told her that I made it for him, and prayed with it and that I was going to give it to him at the hospital. She told me that it was up to me, and she even told me that I could put it on his wrist.. if it wasn't crazy swollen at the funeral home. So, I have thought about it a lot and I have decided that that is what I want to do. I want him to have it, it was made for him, and it has prayers for him in it. He deserves it. I don't know if I will be able to wrap it around his wrist and tie it, I don't know if I will be emotionally able to do it, but I know that I will try.

I say that my life style has changed. I am living my life, because I know that Walter would want me to do that.. I still cry when I think about it, just because he was so close to me, and I worry about where he ended up. I cry because I know that if Walter truly knew what God was all about, I know for a fact that he would be so passionate about it, just as he was with everything else.

I know that Walter was my hero, because he lived, laughed, and loved, better then anyone I have ever known. Walter held on for us, but in the end it was too much suffering. And all though I will admit I wanted to see him so bad, I wanted him to come out of a coma. I don't know how much he would like coming back not having any legs or arms. In a way I am happy that I don't have to see Walter after coming back, who's to say that my Woo would be the same person. Who's to say that Woo would still be making people smile, or would he need someone to help him smile. I am not saying that I wouldn't jump at the fact of trying to make my Woo smile.. I am just saying, knowing how happy and strong he was, and seeing him not like that would take a hurting on my heart. &I know that it wouldn't ever be the same. However, it isn't the same now because he is not here.

I know that God took Walter for a purpose. I am just scared that God's purpose wont be fulfilled. That doesn't mean anything against God. That is worrying about the people that God wanted to be affected by this. What if they still ignore God. Then what will Walters death have solved. How is that fair? If the people are hard headed and they don't get touched by God through Walters death, then they are wasting Walters death.. almost saying that it doesn't mean anything. Which I know, to God it did mean something. I know that God would have loved to given Walter more time, to see if Walter would ever change the way that he lived. God didn't want to send Walter to hell. But, sometimes God doesn't have a choice. God must have seen more people that he wanted to save, so he took Walter. I don't get how that is fair, and I don't think that anyone will ever understand it. But I do know that God needed him more, and that God hates seeing all our hearts hurting, and all of our eyes crying. But he saw a reason to do that, and I will not second guess it.

I almost feel bad, because I know that some people have been really trying to make me feel better. And, I mean this in not a bad way at all. I really appreciate what you guys have done, by trying to tell me that its okay, and trying to make me feel better. But I want you to know just because I didn't cheer up right away, it's not because of you.. it is just because the only thing that would make me smile.. at that point in my day.. was for me to see Walter, and hold his hand. So, I want to thank you all for helping, and for you all to know, that I appreciate everything that you have done for me, and all of the prayers that you have said for me. They have helped and I feel so much better now.

I don't know if I am going to go to all of the viewings or not, but I know that I will at least go to one. I want to be there for the family, and I want to pray with anyone that wants it. I don't know if anyone will or not. But, I know that I will be there if anyone stands up and wants prayer.

I love Walter, and I know that I will try to do everything in my power to make sure that the reason for God taking Walter, whatever that reason is. I am doing everything that I can to make it happen, and to make it true.

I'm living life this way for you Walter, I love you.

OD on loss.

Walter, I'm so sorry I didn't make it to pray with you, I had plans this week to come and see you buddy. I'm so sorry that I couldn't make it. I love you so much, my world will never be the same without you Walter Brian Brooks. God knew he couldn't keep you hurting any longer. I knew that whenever I was having a bad day that I needed to go and find Walter, and that he would put a smile on my face&today. I don't know who to go to. You always yelled my names in the halls and told me how cute my outfits were, you knew a lot about me, and I knew a lot about you. I would even say i considered you one of my bestfriends. I never wanted anyone to hurt you, and when you fout out that someone hurt me, You would yell and scream in there face. When Janis made fun of me in Mr. P.'s class you would turn right around and make fun of her back. You were always there Walter, I am sorry that I didn't get to say Goodbye. NO ONE will ever take the place of you in my heart Walter, there is a piece that belongs to you, and I won't let anyone have it. You were my smiles, my laughter, and my happiness many years of my life. I don't know what else to say, I just wanted to let you know how much you were loved.

OD on prayer.

Walter I am praying for you so much, I want to come and visit you so that I can pray with you, hopefully I will be able to come soon. I know that God knows what he is doing in all of this, and I have faith that he's goiing to help you stay strong.. :) I have literally been thinking about how, no matter what kind of a day I was having you would always seem to put a smile on my face, and I love that about you Walter, how much you care for everyone and how much you want to make everyone smile-- you always made me smile. "a hero is a person who never stops trying, and one that always inspires others" -walter you have inspired all of us to live as loud as possible, laugh louder then life allows, and love with everything in us. -The world wouldn't be the same without you. I love you, stay strong. I know you can make it.

Please pray for my good friend Walter, he is in a coma in the hospital. Both his legs are getting amputated today, &hopefully things will start to look better with his intestines and lungs. Please pray for him. He needs a miracle, nothing short of what God can do.

OD on wednesdays.

My wish for today--
Hoping that at some point my family will get to the place that they wont have to stress anymore about money. I know that my Dad got his job back&all. But he is still stressing, because the problems just didn't go away.
I am not trying to sound un-greatful. And believe me, I trust and have faith that God will get us through it.. I just hope that my Dad does too. Because then I think he wouldn't be stressing a lot. Oh well. Things come in their own time. &I trust God to plan out that time for me.

OD on surprises.

So.. did I get a heck of a surprise tonighttttt! My friend Summerly, who is going to college at Lee university which is all the way in Tennessee came home to visit us last night at church while we were doing small groups. And none of us knew about it.. needless to say it was a surprise that literally made my night. Although Summerly wasn't here.. during the time she wasn't here me and her got really close, and became really good friends. It was amazing to see her again.. I almost started crying.. hah. I just literally did not know what do with myself.. I was missing her so muchhh and there she was, right there for me to see, and for me to hug.. it was almost. The bad part is that it almost feel like she never left&come Sunday when she has to go home.. it is going to be terrible. &I will miss her so much.. but I will still be able to talk to her TOKBOXX!! whattt whattt. :) Anyways, I know that she is a blogger, and I just wanted to post this to let her know how much it meant to all of us, I am sure that she wanted to surprise us, and come home to all of us. It has made my week ten times better. :)
Thanks Summerly, I love you.

OD on life changing events.

So, I am ultimately going to have 2 different posts today, unless I think of something else to write about. Because so many things happened to me today.. but I will start out with the first one.!

We were in my intro to teaching class and we were talking about kids, and how they can be depressed, and I shared with my class a story of my internship last year. I will share it with you too.

So there was this kid, and I am not going to give you his name.. but lets just call him K. There was a sub, and if any of you know how my internship went last year, when there was a substitute I like did all the teaching, and basically I was the kids teacher, because they would only listen to me and not the Sub. So I am taking the kids out to recess. Wait, pause.. so K. usually wears a sweat band thing around his wrist.. every day. Hilltop is a title one school, so there are a lot of kids with bad families that go there, although that sounds very harsh, it is true. K's. family was one of those families that was really bad. His Mom would come and go almost weekly, and his Dad was often locked up in the jail. So poor K. had to go from living at his home, when his Dad was out of jail, and then living with his Grand mom, when his Dad was in jail, and sometimes but only sometimes was he lucky enough to stay home because his Mom was actually there and not running the streets somewhere. And yes, just being the intern I learned all of this.. it is important to know where your kids are coming from, because in most cases it will explain the certain behaviors of the child. ANYWHOOO we were outside at recess, and K. today has is Sweat band thing on. He comes up to me.. moves away his sweat band thing, and shows me his wrist.. and across his wrist there are deep open wounds. K. told me that he had fell onto a toy at his house, so I asked him when he wanted to show me and he told me (I remember this story like it was yesterday) "I wanted you to see how bad I was hurting." So, that was the first thing that kind of tipped me off, I got down on my knees and looked at him (because kids often only like talking to you if you are at their eye level.. it makes you less intimidating) I asked him if he made the toy do it to his wrist or if he fell on it. K. Told me that his heart was hurting, so he made the toy do it. So, I immediately had someone watch the kids outside for me and took K. down to the guidance office. Now, if you could just picture what was going through my head.. this kinder gardener just came up to me and told me that he was cutting himself. 5 YEARS OLD! And, that wasn't the only thing I was freaking out about.. I am only the intern.. why on earth am I doing this.. why do I have to do this.. why do I have to know this. I was worried about him.. worried if he would ever do it again.. if he could kill himself. He is the sweetest boy, and I just couldn't let me not telling someone end his life.. here he was telling me the story of the toy, and tearing up.. I am trying to keep my cool and not cry in front of him, because I didn't want him to think that I was mad at him.. because I wasn't I was just concerned. So, like I said I took him to guidance, and she asked me what was going on, then I had learned that K. was sent to see a therapist and that he is now on medication.
It's honestly a life changing moment in my life that I will never forget. I was telling this story to my class, and my professor told me that I saved his life.. and that I shouldn't have had to go through the situation, but I did, and I made the best of it.. that made me feel really good. To see that I had possibly saved a kids life. I still pray for him, and I still worry about him. But I know that he is in Gods hands.
About a week ago, while I was doing my internship this year, I was going to the library to interview the librarian in the school, and I saw K. there. Unknowing to me, he transferred schools. And there he was.. still in front of me.. without his sweat bands. I saw him and I almost started crying.. he ran up to me yelling "miss mandyyyy!" and hugged me "I missed you so much" It felt so good to just know that he is still alive.

I never knew that teaching would require this much.. I thought that teaching was just about giving kids information.. not about saving their lives. But as I get further and further into my education on teaching.. I am learning that its so much more then that. Teaching, is almost like every career out there. You need to have organization, you need to be personal, sometimes you have to be that kids parent, you have to be strength for the kids, you have to be a playmate, you have to be a Secretary, a planner &the list goes on and on.. its a tough profession.. but with touching stories like the one about K. how could you not want to be a teacher. It's scary, and at times lives depend on you.. but the impact you make on a students life.. is more rewarding then any kind of salary or anything else like that.
I cannot wait to become a teacher, it is literally my dream job.

OD on Mondays

So I feel like my memory is always going to be about the Eslicks since I spend my Mondays with them. Well, today my most memorable memory is my new nickanme. : The Meat. Holler Holler; and I don't wanna post why.. because its and insider.. and you cant have it!