Thursday, October 22, 2009

OD on living.

My life, has a lot more meaning now I think.

Sometimes I feel like I owe it to Walter to be strong, and live my life.. because he couldn't.

I'm still having trouble dealing with it when someone brings it up.. but I know that God did it for a reasons, and I know that he is doing what is best.

I don't know for sure if Walter is in heaven. I prayed for his salvation, but I don't know how that worked out.. until I get there, I can only hope and pray that he is there. I wold much rather him be in heaven then in hell. Walter didn't deserve hell.

Walter was the kind of person that always wanted to make people smile, he would wake up every single day, and have a goal of how many people that he wanted to make smile that day. Walter, would always make me smile, everyday. He was my laughter, my smiles, my happiness, for many days of my high school life. Walter knew a lot about my life, and I knew a lot about his. Walter was the kind of person that loved you no matter what, and I mean no matter what, his heart was so big and he was always there for you to show you love.. no matter how much no one else would give it to you, or the reasons why they wouldn't give it to you.

I love Walter, I typed loved at first, and realized that that wasn't the right thing to say, because Walter is still in my heart and mind, and I still love him.

I made Walter a bracelet that I was going to give to him when I went to the hospital, while I prayed for him I held it in my hands, so that my prayers would go to the bracelet, and hopefully he would be able to feel my prayers, because he was in a coma and he may not be able to hear them. I never made it to see Walter in the hospital, and I am very sad and upset that I didn't get to hold his hand a pray with him.. but I know that praying where I was, was just as good. I just think it would have been nice to feel like I am praying with him.

When I went to his memorial service at 12:00 Wednesday night, I went over to talk to his Mom. I am very close with all of his family from playing soccer with his younger sister, and sitting in the stands with all of them. I showed her the bracelet that I made for Walter, and I figured that I should give it to her so that she can hang on to it, and put it in his bed, at the funeral home. I told her that I made it for him, and prayed with it and that I was going to give it to him at the hospital. She told me that it was up to me, and she even told me that I could put it on his wrist.. if it wasn't crazy swollen at the funeral home. So, I have thought about it a lot and I have decided that that is what I want to do. I want him to have it, it was made for him, and it has prayers for him in it. He deserves it. I don't know if I will be able to wrap it around his wrist and tie it, I don't know if I will be emotionally able to do it, but I know that I will try.

I say that my life style has changed. I am living my life, because I know that Walter would want me to do that.. I still cry when I think about it, just because he was so close to me, and I worry about where he ended up. I cry because I know that if Walter truly knew what God was all about, I know for a fact that he would be so passionate about it, just as he was with everything else.

I know that Walter was my hero, because he lived, laughed, and loved, better then anyone I have ever known. Walter held on for us, but in the end it was too much suffering. And all though I will admit I wanted to see him so bad, I wanted him to come out of a coma. I don't know how much he would like coming back not having any legs or arms. In a way I am happy that I don't have to see Walter after coming back, who's to say that my Woo would be the same person. Who's to say that Woo would still be making people smile, or would he need someone to help him smile. I am not saying that I wouldn't jump at the fact of trying to make my Woo smile.. I am just saying, knowing how happy and strong he was, and seeing him not like that would take a hurting on my heart. &I know that it wouldn't ever be the same. However, it isn't the same now because he is not here.

I know that God took Walter for a purpose. I am just scared that God's purpose wont be fulfilled. That doesn't mean anything against God. That is worrying about the people that God wanted to be affected by this. What if they still ignore God. Then what will Walters death have solved. How is that fair? If the people are hard headed and they don't get touched by God through Walters death, then they are wasting Walters death.. almost saying that it doesn't mean anything. Which I know, to God it did mean something. I know that God would have loved to given Walter more time, to see if Walter would ever change the way that he lived. God didn't want to send Walter to hell. But, sometimes God doesn't have a choice. God must have seen more people that he wanted to save, so he took Walter. I don't get how that is fair, and I don't think that anyone will ever understand it. But I do know that God needed him more, and that God hates seeing all our hearts hurting, and all of our eyes crying. But he saw a reason to do that, and I will not second guess it.

I almost feel bad, because I know that some people have been really trying to make me feel better. And, I mean this in not a bad way at all. I really appreciate what you guys have done, by trying to tell me that its okay, and trying to make me feel better. But I want you to know just because I didn't cheer up right away, it's not because of you.. it is just because the only thing that would make me smile.. at that point in my day.. was for me to see Walter, and hold his hand. So, I want to thank you all for helping, and for you all to know, that I appreciate everything that you have done for me, and all of the prayers that you have said for me. They have helped and I feel so much better now.

I don't know if I am going to go to all of the viewings or not, but I know that I will at least go to one. I want to be there for the family, and I want to pray with anyone that wants it. I don't know if anyone will or not. But, I know that I will be there if anyone stands up and wants prayer.

I love Walter, and I know that I will try to do everything in my power to make sure that the reason for God taking Walter, whatever that reason is. I am doing everything that I can to make it happen, and to make it true.

I'm living life this way for you Walter, I love you.


  1. It is a tough situation, that can teach us one very important lesson for live our life so others can see and meet GOD through us :)

  2. indeed. Thats what I have learned.