So, this week has been a tough week. Thinking about the people that I have lost, has really just put a hurtin' on the ol' brain.
&then I got a scare. A super scare, a scare... I think its a good thing I got it. Well not good what led to the scare, but good of my outcome, maybe not sure. Yes, I think so.. its just a lot to think about right now.
I know that I am not making much sense at all, because.. right now, nothing makes much sense to me. My brain is kind of spinning right now, now don't think that I am wreck, beacuse I am not.. I promise. Its just a lot to think about, and confusing all at the same time, a lot of praying, and a lot of emotions.
I mean to blog about this earlier.. but I didn't have the time, and I had to go to play practice, and so I am just now having the time.
&I don't know if you can tell or not but my thoughts are not all together yet.
Lets just say, things weren't settle, and I couldn't bare for them to be that way endlessly, I needed more time, and there is a lot of thinking to do along with this.
I am happy, the hurt is gone. I am more than happy.
God is faithful, and I am glad that he gave me more time.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
hard week.
This week, is a hard week for me. My friends little brother, Masson, died a year ago this Wednesday.
I was reminded of this through a text message, I checked the calendar and soon enough, it will be a full year since the sweet little 11 year old boy that was once in my everyday life had passed due to cancer.
As I thought of this I took a trip down memory lane, I remember hearing about this, a week after my other friend since childhood OD'ed on drugs. That whole year I had a series of deaths, of people that were very close, and special to me, people that all had a special place in my heart, and that I loved very much.
What I am about to tell you is weird how it came up tonight, and again I think God is using it to help me get all of this out and to be over and done with it.
I was watching the biggest loser tonight (i love that showw!) and O'neal (my favorite, alongside his daughter Sunshine) found out that his brother died do to cancer. O'neal was going through a hard time because he didn't get to say his last words to his brother, his goodbyes. At training he broke down and had to leave the gym Jillian followed near by telling him "if he was standing right in front of you right now, what would you say to him.
Within every situation ever case that I have been through while loosing these people, I have regretted something, something that I never said. Often times the what ifs creep up. And I tell myself, you could have saved this person, if you only... You see I know that all of these people weren't Christians, and they made it clear that they did not believe in God, and that most of the time they wanted nothing to do with him. With the exception of Mason, I am not sure if he believed or not.. I don't think he was old enough to make his OWN decision, and his parents weren't implementing it as well as I think they should have, but that is not he point to this blog.
I am going to write a letter to each person that I have lost, telling them everything that I want to, in the order that I lost them. I will warn you it could get pretty intense, so sorry if it gets overly emotional.
I was reminded of this through a text message, I checked the calendar and soon enough, it will be a full year since the sweet little 11 year old boy that was once in my everyday life had passed due to cancer.
As I thought of this I took a trip down memory lane, I remember hearing about this, a week after my other friend since childhood OD'ed on drugs. That whole year I had a series of deaths, of people that were very close, and special to me, people that all had a special place in my heart, and that I loved very much.
What I am about to tell you is weird how it came up tonight, and again I think God is using it to help me get all of this out and to be over and done with it.
I was watching the biggest loser tonight (i love that showw!) and O'neal (my favorite, alongside his daughter Sunshine) found out that his brother died do to cancer. O'neal was going through a hard time because he didn't get to say his last words to his brother, his goodbyes. At training he broke down and had to leave the gym Jillian followed near by telling him "if he was standing right in front of you right now, what would you say to him.
Within every situation ever case that I have been through while loosing these people, I have regretted something, something that I never said. Often times the what ifs creep up. And I tell myself, you could have saved this person, if you only... You see I know that all of these people weren't Christians, and they made it clear that they did not believe in God, and that most of the time they wanted nothing to do with him. With the exception of Mason, I am not sure if he believed or not.. I don't think he was old enough to make his OWN decision, and his parents weren't implementing it as well as I think they should have, but that is not he point to this blog.
I am going to write a letter to each person that I have lost, telling them everything that I want to, in the order that I lost them. I will warn you it could get pretty intense, so sorry if it gets overly emotional.
1. Gods surprising encouragment
2. When your glasses are ready before you think they will be!
3. Peanut butter&jelly on a wheat tortialla shell:)
4. Finding out that a paper is due later than you thought.
5. Having a boyfriend that can drive me places so i CAN get my glasses:)
6. The book "Prayers That Avail Much to Teens."
7. Updating my praise section on my ipod
8. Having time alone with God
9. That favorite scent that you found under your bed:)
10. Hearing something you need to hear:)
2. When your glasses are ready before you think they will be!
3. Peanut butter&jelly on a wheat tortialla shell:)
4. Finding out that a paper is due later than you thought.
5. Having a boyfriend that can drive me places so i CAN get my glasses:)
6. The book "Prayers That Avail Much to Teens."
7. Updating my praise section on my ipod
8. Having time alone with God
9. That favorite scent that you found under your bed:)
10. Hearing something you need to hear:)
Girls Beach Weekend:)
So I always write down verses that stick out to me, in a little book, that way I can carry it with me, and I always have those scriptures with me, to help me if I come up to something that I could use them for. Today, something happened to the spiral of my notebook that I normally use, so I had to go on a hunt in my room to find another book that I could use. I came across the little books that we used at girls beach weekend, So I decided that I would use that.. since it is the smallest book I have.
Now, I sadly will admit, that I hadn't looked at this book since probably that weekend. :\ But, thats not what is important here! Lol.
During the nights when we did not have our journals, or leaders took the books, and wrote scripture in them to encourage us, and told us that we were beautiful, and today while I was looking through my book, I came across the most amazing thing ever.
Psalms 37:23-24
The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.
I have had my share of stumbles, believe me. Its nice today to know that God will never let me fall, and that he is holding me by the hand:) It is just amazing to know.
&I love how this all worked out.. I needed to hear that today, and I did. God is so faithful and amazing. He is always there, even when you do not expect him to be. ♥
Now, I sadly will admit, that I hadn't looked at this book since probably that weekend. :\ But, thats not what is important here! Lol.
During the nights when we did not have our journals, or leaders took the books, and wrote scripture in them to encourage us, and told us that we were beautiful, and today while I was looking through my book, I came across the most amazing thing ever.
Psalms 37:23-24
The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.
I have had my share of stumbles, believe me. Its nice today to know that God will never let me fall, and that he is holding me by the hand:) It is just amazing to know.
&I love how this all worked out.. I needed to hear that today, and I did. God is so faithful and amazing. He is always there, even when you do not expect him to be. ♥
Monday, April 19, 2010
my famous prayer.
So this prayer, has been in and out of my head lately.. and I am really tired, and was just doing prayer time. And it popped back in my head. So I thought I would get it down, so I know the prayer always, and one day I can check and see what Gods will actually was in reguards to my prayer, he is amazing and I know that he will always come through, so I know that this will be interesting to come across one day, and see what God has done for this person.
God, I pray that you open the eyes of this person Lord, I pray that you guide them and direct them with your light. I pray that they will only follow your path, Lord I pray that you hold this person in their times of struggles, I pray that you lift them up, and help that to seek you above all things. Lord, show them the truth, show them that you only want what is best for them God. Show them that you love them, even when they feel like no one does, give them all that they need so that they don't have to search anywhere else. God I pray that you love this person, when they feel like no one else does. I pray Lord that you guard this persons life, and although they may run I pray that you put a wall around them to protect them. I pray that your will is carried out in their lives, and that they accept it willingly with an open heart. I pray that this will all be worth it.
So not only is it just one prayer for one person, but as I was writing it I realized that I can use it for many people.
:) if there is anyone that you care about, I am sure that this prayer will work for you too!
God, I pray that you open the eyes of this person Lord, I pray that you guide them and direct them with your light. I pray that they will only follow your path, Lord I pray that you hold this person in their times of struggles, I pray that you lift them up, and help that to seek you above all things. Lord, show them the truth, show them that you only want what is best for them God. Show them that you love them, even when they feel like no one does, give them all that they need so that they don't have to search anywhere else. God I pray that you love this person, when they feel like no one else does. I pray Lord that you guard this persons life, and although they may run I pray that you put a wall around them to protect them. I pray that your will is carried out in their lives, and that they accept it willingly with an open heart. I pray that this will all be worth it.
So not only is it just one prayer for one person, but as I was writing it I realized that I can use it for many people.
:) if there is anyone that you care about, I am sure that this prayer will work for you too!
Joys; Fears; Obsessions; and Goals.
Well, I took this idea from Ashley who took it from April.. hah pretty nifty eh? So, thanks for the ideas ladies!:)
Joys:
1.Knowing that I made a difference in someones life- if I can lead one life closer to the Lord, I get the deepest satisfaction.
2.Worshiping God- there's just something beautiful about being able to appreciate God.
3. Maylin Renee, she is Gods most beautiful gift to my family and I, other than life. She is my angel, and has inspired me to be so much more, without knowing it.
4. The fall, my favorite time of the year.
5. Being around children in general, watching them grow, and knowing that you had a part in that.
6. Being around my family, and my friends- all of the people in my life, make everything so worth while, how could I not want to be around them:)
Fears:
Are you ready for one longgg list? Only kidding I will try my best to make it short.
1. Clowns- I don't care if they hug kids, the things are CREEPY!
2. Sharks- Can't even like look at them and not be scared, like shark week is a no way for me!
3. The Darkness- Not so much the darkness that you can see in.. but I know that if I was in pitch black, I would be scared.
4. Roller Coasters- Who would trust one of those things? Really?
5. Bridges- I'm sorry but when you are the top of something and you can feel the wind moving you, it can't be that stable.
6. Loosing people that I love, and care about- this has happened a lot within the last year, its not really loosing the person, it's the fact of Loosing an un-saved person that I care about and love.
7. Not doing all that God wants me to do, not being who he wants me to be- this is terrifying, I want to be what God has planned for me, beacuse I know that it is so great, beyond anything I could think of for myself. Missing out on something like this is just terrifying to me.
8. Masks- You can never tell who is under the mask.
Obsessions:
1. The color orange- i just LOVE this color.
2. Elephants- I know its not common, but I think they are beautiful.
3. Dandelions- prettiest weed i've ever seen!
4. Ladybugs- one of the only bugs that I will purposely pick up and let crawl all over me:)
5. This amazing show called one tree hill, it's an old show.. but I watch it on the internet all the time:)
Goals:
Welp, this first one is going to sound corny, but its honestly my biggest goal.
1. Getting into heaven, being able to see the face of the Man that created me, who knows every little thing about me, and loves me so much that I have no clue.
2. Becoming a kindergarten teacher. I could not think of anything else to do with the rest of my lfie.♥
3. Demonstrate Gods love to everyone that I come in contact with, Everyone should know of the amazing love and Grace that my God has shown to me.
4. To one day be a loving wife, and Godly mother to the man and kids God has in plan for my future:)
5. To always some way be connected in a youth ministry- these kids will change your life forever.
Joys:
1.Knowing that I made a difference in someones life- if I can lead one life closer to the Lord, I get the deepest satisfaction.
2.Worshiping God- there's just something beautiful about being able to appreciate God.
3. Maylin Renee, she is Gods most beautiful gift to my family and I, other than life. She is my angel, and has inspired me to be so much more, without knowing it.
4. The fall, my favorite time of the year.
5. Being around children in general, watching them grow, and knowing that you had a part in that.
6. Being around my family, and my friends- all of the people in my life, make everything so worth while, how could I not want to be around them:)
Fears:
Are you ready for one longgg list? Only kidding I will try my best to make it short.
1. Clowns- I don't care if they hug kids, the things are CREEPY!
2. Sharks- Can't even like look at them and not be scared, like shark week is a no way for me!
3. The Darkness- Not so much the darkness that you can see in.. but I know that if I was in pitch black, I would be scared.
4. Roller Coasters- Who would trust one of those things? Really?
5. Bridges- I'm sorry but when you are the top of something and you can feel the wind moving you, it can't be that stable.
6. Loosing people that I love, and care about- this has happened a lot within the last year, its not really loosing the person, it's the fact of Loosing an un-saved person that I care about and love.
7. Not doing all that God wants me to do, not being who he wants me to be- this is terrifying, I want to be what God has planned for me, beacuse I know that it is so great, beyond anything I could think of for myself. Missing out on something like this is just terrifying to me.
8. Masks- You can never tell who is under the mask.
Obsessions:
1. The color orange- i just LOVE this color.
2. Elephants- I know its not common, but I think they are beautiful.
3. Dandelions- prettiest weed i've ever seen!
4. Ladybugs- one of the only bugs that I will purposely pick up and let crawl all over me:)
5. This amazing show called one tree hill, it's an old show.. but I watch it on the internet all the time:)
Goals:
Welp, this first one is going to sound corny, but its honestly my biggest goal.
1. Getting into heaven, being able to see the face of the Man that created me, who knows every little thing about me, and loves me so much that I have no clue.
2. Becoming a kindergarten teacher. I could not think of anything else to do with the rest of my lfie.♥
3. Demonstrate Gods love to everyone that I come in contact with, Everyone should know of the amazing love and Grace that my God has shown to me.
4. To one day be a loving wife, and Godly mother to the man and kids God has in plan for my future:)
5. To always some way be connected in a youth ministry- these kids will change your life forever.
Mondays:)
So, today my Most incredible memory, was watching Maylin&Jonatha. She was sooo cute with him.
And sometimes Maylin cries when her Mommy leaves, and Mommy always says "Don't worry baby, I will be right back." and then when she comes back at the end of the day she always says "See baby, I came back for you didn't I"?
So, today while I was watching them May was playing with Jonathan, and he started crying when she walked away a little, so she walked back &said (In her cute little baby voice) "Don wowwy jonafan, I be wight back", so then she walked away and she came back and kissed him on the forward and said "see baby I come back".
I think it was just the sweetest thing that I have seen in such a long time:)
And sometimes Maylin cries when her Mommy leaves, and Mommy always says "Don't worry baby, I will be right back." and then when she comes back at the end of the day she always says "See baby, I came back for you didn't I"?
So, today while I was watching them May was playing with Jonathan, and he started crying when she walked away a little, so she walked back &said (In her cute little baby voice) "Don wowwy jonafan, I be wight back", so then she walked away and she came back and kissed him on the forward and said "see baby I come back".
I think it was just the sweetest thing that I have seen in such a long time:)
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm back.I
Ice is back with a brand new edition.:)
I have missed blogging so much:)
So I am back, and hopefully I wont grow out of the habit this time! So in getting back to blogging I was looking through all of the millions of blogs posts, and I found this amazing little thing that I just cannot wait to try!
-I have been wanting a white board FOREVER!
And I found this cute little site, that I am now addicted to! :) &that is going to help me to make a white board that I know I will just love, because I get to pick what it looks like, and knowing me, it will be orange.. or something. &I am even going to post pictures on here to show you all what it looks like and how it turned out.
So here is the idea that I found, and if you want to subscribe or find more things about this lady and her amazing site, then you can go here and look at them.
♥
Other than that, my life has been amazing, :) nadda thing to complain about. :):):)
I have missed blogging so much:)
So I am back, and hopefully I wont grow out of the habit this time! So in getting back to blogging I was looking through all of the millions of blogs posts, and I found this amazing little thing that I just cannot wait to try!
-I have been wanting a white board FOREVER!
And I found this cute little site, that I am now addicted to! :) &that is going to help me to make a white board that I know I will just love, because I get to pick what it looks like, and knowing me, it will be orange.. or something. &I am even going to post pictures on here to show you all what it looks like and how it turned out.
So here is the idea that I found, and if you want to subscribe or find more things about this lady and her amazing site, then you can go here and look at them.
♥
Other than that, my life has been amazing, :) nadda thing to complain about. :):):)
Friday, February 5, 2010
Happiness is a choice
"Stephanie understands that happiness is a choice, and she makes that choice every day of her life"
This is a quote taken from an article written about one of the ladies blogs that I follow.
Her circumstances are so drastic, one of which you would think that no one could be happy in, yet she makes the decision every morning to be happy, in her rough situation. She is always in my prayers.
Knowing that she makes a conscious decision every day to be happy no matter what is of such inspiration to me. Why can't I do that.. what is holding me back from being happy? These things that happen to me in life which are no where near as bad as what this blogger is going through.
I have been told that life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you handle it. So, sounds to me like I need to make a change.. I need to handle all of this better, I need to wake up every morning, thinking that today is going to be a day where I will smile, that today I will be happy.
So I will, and I'll pray for God to help me find joy in all things.. not just the good ones, and to help me see the positive.
I will live each day like it is my last.. and each day happily.
-- if you are interested in reading the blog that I talk about go here.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
One Month To Live.
So, we have been doing the one month to live series at church, and in big church I got a book mark that gave you a verse to read each day for your one month to live to kind of make you think about things in a new way.. so I am going to just write the ones that we have had so far.. I don't know if you have gotten them yet.. so this might help you out too, they have given me inspiration for each tomorrow.
ONE MONTH TO LIVE? What would you do if you knew your last day was on February 28th 2010, how would you life your life until then?
Day One: Psalms 90:12
"Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."
Day Two: Romans 12:11
"Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically."
Day Three: 2 Corinthians 6:1
"As Gods partners, we beg you not to accept this marvelous gift of God's kindness and the ignore it"
Day Four: Matthew 11:28-29
"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will five you rest. Take my yoke upon you. let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"
Day Five: 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline"
So there you have it:
There is a brevity of life, we should live enthusiastically, and not just for ourselves but for our devine maker. If we choose to accept God's gift of life, we shall not waste it. God will give us an ending to our sorrows, and make our weary hearts smile, and he gave us power, love and sel discipline.. not fear.
Just within these days there is so much that I need to work on.. living enthusiastically, I would like to say that I do that everyday.. but I know that I don't and I know that sometimes I could be living for more. My big thing though, is fear.. you know as well as I know that I am scared of a lot of things.. heights, clowns, sharks, the ocean, planes.. just to name a few. But God says that I shouldn't be, because he gives so much beauty, and it all comes from him.. so what shall I fear other than him.. not his beautiful creations.. so much to change in my life.. so much to change for my one month left.
ONE MONTH TO LIVE? What would you do if you knew your last day was on February 28th 2010, how would you life your life until then?
Day One: Psalms 90:12
"Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."
Day Two: Romans 12:11
"Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically."
Day Three: 2 Corinthians 6:1
"As Gods partners, we beg you not to accept this marvelous gift of God's kindness and the ignore it"
Day Four: Matthew 11:28-29
"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will five you rest. Take my yoke upon you. let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"
Day Five: 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline"
So there you have it:
There is a brevity of life, we should live enthusiastically, and not just for ourselves but for our devine maker. If we choose to accept God's gift of life, we shall not waste it. God will give us an ending to our sorrows, and make our weary hearts smile, and he gave us power, love and sel discipline.. not fear.
Just within these days there is so much that I need to work on.. living enthusiastically, I would like to say that I do that everyday.. but I know that I don't and I know that sometimes I could be living for more. My big thing though, is fear.. you know as well as I know that I am scared of a lot of things.. heights, clowns, sharks, the ocean, planes.. just to name a few. But God says that I shouldn't be, because he gives so much beauty, and it all comes from him.. so what shall I fear other than him.. not his beautiful creations.. so much to change in my life.. so much to change for my one month left.
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